Total Transformation, Lesson One

You're supposed to complete one Total Transformation Lesson each week. This week's lesson focused on defining the causes of obnoxious and abusive behavior and how that behavior looks. More after the jump:

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James Lehman says that obnoxious and abusive behavior has its root in one element -- the inability to solve a problem. Anything from math problems in school to what to do when a parent says "no." When a child can't solve a problem, their emotional response is generally anger or anxiety. I felt like he was talking directly to me from the radio. These really are Evan's root issues -- his anger and his anxiety. Right on the money there, Mr. L.

In order to take the focus off the problem at hand, like solving the math problem, the child will exhibit any number of obnoxious or abusive behaviors. Now the parent is dealing with two problems -- that the child will not do his math homework and that the child is now screaming and throwing things. If you were the parent here, what would you deal with first? The screaming and the throwing. So you do it. And by the time that war's all over, does anybody have any energy left to deal with the math homework? Probably not. In the end, the kid wins.

The child learns, "If I get angry, I get my way"  [my quotes, not from the program].

For some parents it's not math problems. For us it's pre-schooler stuff -- taking off shoes when we get in the house, when he can watch a "DVDV," brushing teeth, meals, going to the car. Most of Evan's anger and anxiety center around daily routines and transitions -- when we are forcing our will upon him instead of when he is choosing what to do.

Lehman presents quite a number of descriptions for disrespectful, obnoxious and abusive behavior -- many of which pertain to kids older than Evan. Even still, of the sixteen categories he described, Evan's behavior fell into five.

The lessons work two ways -- you listen to it on a CD and then there are workbook pages that reinforce what you've heard. The only beef I have is that the workbook exercises don't make you feel good about your kid or the situation you're in. Part of me thinks that it's marketing and part of me thinks it's brainwashing.

Take for instance, the five categories that seem to fit Evan:

Concrete Transactions: sees rules as obstacles which must be overcome, manipulate others by being charming or compliant in order to avoid being held accountable to the rules, sees his "rights" but not the "rights" of others.

Anger with an Angle: "lose control" when he doesn't get his way; train others to avoid making him angry "or else;" claim he "lost control" after an aggressive, destructive or abusive incident;  use anger to have power over things; make you walk on eggshells when you have to discuss problems or responsibilities.

One-Way Training: use inappropriate behavior to train you to give in, use inappropriate behavior when his wishes are opposed or resisted, resists all efforts to train him on appropriate behaviors or problem-solving techniques.

Casing: size up people for how much power they have and respond differently to them dependent upon this perceived power; react negatively to those he perceives has having less power than he does; act more charming in order to cultivate those he perceives as having more power than he does; aggressively resist developing a relationship with anyone he perceives as being a threat to his power base, specially someone who can resist the inappropriate behavioral blackmail he uses on others.

Partialization: do incomplete jobs on chores, homework or responsibilities; expect full rewards for incomplete chores; act angrily when reminded of the full expectation of the responsibility; react angrily when denied a reward for a sloppy or partially done job.

Now, if you thought your child exhibited these behaviors, wouldn't you be feeling bad about things too? 

For those of you reading this thinking how I could be talking about a three-year old here. Guess what. I'm talking about a three-year old. The kid ain't dumb. Actually, I think when it comes to human relations he's more than astute and has my number, big time.

But, he also only does three-year old things right now. Take "Casing," for example. He totally cased his new pre-school teacher last year...when he was two. It was her first teaching job; he could sense she was unsure of what to do with him and he tested every limit he knew. At two.

Or the "Partialization" behavior. Everyday it is a battle for him to take off his shoes when he gets inside the house. He knows how and can do it in an instant if he wanted to. Instead when I say it's time to take off shoes, he says to me, "No Mommy. You do it." When I say no, he says, "How about just the strap?" meaning for me to loosen the Velcro. I gave into this for a while, thinking it was a real hang-up for him. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I could go on with examples for each behavior, but there is only so much bandwidth.

Long story short, this particular Total Transformation lesson does a good job explaining the causes of behaviors and giving categorical descriptions, but I think it only presents one facet of a child. These kids, my son included, are not just one big, bad behavior problem.

Update on August 29, 2007 by Christina Shaver

If you want to buy the Total Transformation Program, buy it through me. This isn't a program endorsement -- you make up your own mind if you want to do it. They just give me a little extra cash, which I can certainly use!

Comments

[christina]

Have you ever heard of Love and Logic? It's a parenting style based on putting the decision making and consequences back in the child's control. Very interesting concept, and from my experience at home and in class (I teach Pre-K)very useful. Age appropriate for Evan and Tyler, and probably adaptable to use with Total Transformation.
just a thought.....

[jen]

I hear ya about the various displays. I read those descriptions about my son, and some of them fit...some of the time. And that's the frustration. I'm really getting a lot out of your ongoing review of TT.
As L&L, it's VERY well-known out here in CO. In fact, A and J's preschool teacher uses it for her classes. It's great...for most kids. We have pretty much come to the conclusion that it works like a charm for J (who, as far as we can tell is NT, though likely gifted as well) and is less effective for A (who, in addition to gifted, has ADHD and SPD). It is a GREAT program...for most kids. And trust me, I love it; Tom and I have taken seminars with the founders and have done all the reading. It just.doesn't.work well for A.

[Christina Shaver]

I haven't heard of Love & Logic. It sounds like it's probably more suited to Evan's age. Hm. I'll have to look into it if Total Transformation doesn't work out.

[Julie]

Christina,

I am glad I found your postings about TT and your 3 year old. I just got the cd's (no workbook) and started listening, with the intent on using with my 4 almost 5 year old. At first, I was thinking "cool", "I can do this". But then after trying some of the techniques, I quickly became discouraged and thought maybe my child is too young to use this program on. Or maybe I need to modify it some. I am having a difficult time using some of the techniques and instructions and breaking it down to my child's level. Now, she is very intelligent, and very manipulative, so I think, she should be able to understand. But it is not working like I hoped. I am planning to get a workbook (maybe that will help).

Also, I have tried and continue to use Love & Logic and have been to conferences by the founders, etc, have lots of the books--but I still struggle.

So, anyway, enough rambling from me. Thanks again for posting your thoughts and experiences with your child and TT. I will look forward to reading more.
Julie

[Donna]

This was very interesting to read. The descriptions do fit my daughter... Her main problem, is her inability to "cope"to situations that don't go as she expected. This causes problems in every aspect of her life (ie, teacher wants her to sit when she wants to get up, she can't hold her stuffed animal in class, she has to brush her teeth instead of playing with the cat, etc.) which is similar to what u were saying about TTs roots. However, my daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers. I'm curious to know how TT would work with her. She is 8.

[Denise]

I thought TT was for teens. I am going to try it, as my daughter turned 13, and is now a completely different person. They used to say the terrible two's? For me, they were the terrific two's! It's the terrible, horrific teens! My sister used 1-2-3 Magic when the kids were young. I think that is a much better system for younger kids and it worked like a charm!

[Kathy]

i can't believe a 3 yo fit those categories. my 13 yo daughter nails all of them. i'm trying to find a real person who's ready to send their child away due to behavior who has tried this program. i haven't found any really helpful reviews yet.