Total Transformation Program, Jump Start DVD
July 9, 2007 The first step of the Total Transformation Program is the Jump Start DVD. I had decided to watch it while knitting, but instead I found myself scrambling to find paper and a pen to take notes -- it was that informative. There's an overview after the jump:
Go to The Total Transformation Review for an in-depth review and FREE giveaway of the Total Transformation program.
There are two types of parenting skills -- effective and ineffective.
Ineffective parenting skills develop when parents just want to make it through with no crisis. Instead of teaching their children problem solving skills, they give in to their child's demands because it is easier. The child starts acting out in place of learning skills they haven't developed, and the cycle begins.
Children train their parents how to give in.
When we start out as parents, we don't imagine having a problem child or a special needs child. We do expect to encounter challenges along the way, but we also expect to have a child who accepts consequences. What we need to do as parents with children who have special needs or behavior problems is to parent the child you do have, not your fantasy child.
Children who act out don't have the tools they need to deal with their feelings, perceptions or problems. A child gets frustrated. The parent can't tolerate the child's expression of frustration. Rather than allowing the child to struggle for the solution, the parent will do the task for the child to alleviate the behavior.
What gets worse is when the child has trained the parent to fight the teacher or to make excuses for that child when they are in public. They love their child and want to shield that child from the stress and pressure that causes them to act out. It's easier for the parent to have a teacher bend or to make excuses than to actually deal with the child. So now again, that child has learned that acting out works.
You can't love the problems away.
Children with special needs like ADHD or bi-polar disorder or learning disorders weren't made that way because of ineffective parenting. But ineffective parenting can only exacerbate the issues. Parents of children with special needs need to learn how to empathize for their child but not use their diagnosis as an excuse.
Parents need to set firm limits. "There is no excuse for abuse." Would you let a stranger scream at you or destroy your property?
There needs to be a culture of accountability -- for both the child and the parent. The child needs to know that they will trust the parent to follow-through on promises and vice versa.
I could watch this DVD again and glean even more information. It was jam packed. I can see where he's going with this. He being James Lehman, the person who started Total Transformation. He was adopted and had severe behavioral problems and even ended up in prison for seven years. Nothing like learning from someone who's lived it.
Watching the DVD made me realize how lucky I am to have found this program now, while Evan is only three. James Lehman talks a lot about teenagers (though these techniques can work for a wide range of ages), and I realize that if things don't get in line around here, having a teenager who physically abuses, drinks, smokes, destroys property, and all the rest may be a real possibility. Of course people say, "you're good parents...you wouldn't let that happen." That's true to a degree. But I never thought I'd be the parent of a boy like Evan.
That is probably one of the hardest things about having a special needs kid. What the video says is true -- you don't ever imagine yourself in this situation when the stork comes around. You look at that beautiful baby in the eyes and only feel love and imagine a happy childhood and a wonderful life for him. A while ago somebody on this blog commented that there is a grieving process around having a kid with special needs -- I totally agree and even wonder if it is a process that ever really goes away.
I read on the National Institutes of Mental Health website that the best "prescription" for children with ADHD is medication and behavioral therapy. The Total Transformation program no doubt focuses on behavior. So much so that James Lehman disavows therapy and feelings, saying that once the behavior gets in line the child will be happier. You become a happier person with greater self-esteem by overcoming life's struggles rather than having the path paved for you by acting out.
The jury's still out for me on his stance. I think a strong understanding of feelings is an important element of the human condition and should not be tossed aside. Even still, I'm glad to have this program, and will report back on the next step.
Christina Shaver
If you want to buy the Total Transformation Program, buy it through me. This isn't a program endorsement -- you make up your own mind if you want to do it. They just give me a little extra cash, which I can certainly use!
Reader Comments (16)
Thanks!
Stu
As someone who would have been pumped full of Ritalin at 3 or 4 years old, I cannot begin to describe how my life would have changed had my pediatrician read and implemented Dr. Barne's book. Should you find his book interesting be sure to check out http://www.wilsonssyndrome.com
My best wishes to you and your family,
Bob
http://www.resultsproject.net/
is garbage . it is a tell your kid this and walk away . every thing in this set is a do this and walk away .
there is no place on thier web site for testimonials all they have is staged results go figure how many people
do you think purchaced this garbage and sent it back thanks James Lehman maybe you can come to my house and tell my kid no you cannot do that then walk away . do not buy this garbage
get it from ebay , or get the so called free trial watch it send it back within 15days
because if you wait 20-25 too late ,oh well you cannot send back
if you think you need this , sit down and talk with your kid it will work better
than this set of advertisments on dvd
you have already purchaced this garbage and still have to sit through Mr.James Lehman helped my child about 20 times before you get to where James Lehman says tell your kid no you can't have it or no you can't do that
turn and walk away don't confront your child if thay say anything just ignore thim
what b.s this program is
sit and talk with your kid ,if they do not want to sit keep trying it will work
at the end this is all this program tells you
i have wasted my $350 dollars for you
you are welcome
Everyone has a different experience with the program. For me it worked great and it wasn't about just saying no and walking away.
There was so much more to the program than that. I agree, there is a lot of fluffy testimonials and crap but there is also some very sound advice.
I bought it thinking I would just send it back before the free trial ended. I've had it for years now and I'm grateful for it.
I learned to be more assertive, understanding and an all around better parent.
I think it is worth a try....
Prior to 10 years, you can still, somewhat, intimidate them and guide them to the proper way of thinking. By intimidate, I mean be calm and direct when speaking with them. Let them know their boundries (children are more secure with limitations, but they'll always test them to see if you are serious). Let them know the consequences of bad decisions. Let them know that they can count on you to calmly, help them make decisions, and the consequences of each possible action (I always give only two choices).
When disrespectful, physically wear them out. 30-45 minutes on the trampoline usually works for our adopted daughter. Un-aggressive or passive wrestling usually works for boys that "want a piece of you" (I would not recommend a woman to do this. I've had some boys really whale on me, but I just take it. Don't let them see your pain! lol:)). Once tired, they are more receptive to accepting your direction (I call this the drill sergeant affect, since it is what I experienced in the Army). I've never had a child, under 10, be disrespectful for more than three weeks.
Defiant children have a great respect for power, or the illusion of power. They can not tell the difference until older. Eventually enrolling them in a tae-kwon-do, judo, etc., class with a good instructor that understands what he/she would be dealing with will reap great rewards and make your life much better.
While surfing the net today for info on “Total Transformation” I came across your site and began reading about Evan and your experiences thus far in parenting him. You mentioned he has ADHD, although I didn't find out what other diagnoses he has received or exactly what his issues are, but something in your words, your dedication to finding answers, your grief, your questions, your hope -- it all spoke to me in a very personal way, and struck an all-too-familiar chord.
My son, Devin, is now 12. Eight years ago I was right where you are now. We had known since he was a toddler that he was different. Everything was harder with him than other kids. He wasn't cooperative or socially appropriate, and our attempts to guide and correct his behavior all failed miserably. His preschool teacher said it best, "He's a weird little kid." At age 3 we began a long and winding journey to try to uncover what was wrong with him and how we could help him. Eventually we received an ADHD diagnosis, althought even that isn't clear-cut. There have been loose suggestions there was some Aspergers or even ODD in there, although we've since been told that's not the case. Either way, he is completely unique and presents very differently than most 'typical' ADD/ADHD kids.
Fast forward.... I'm happy to say that after struggling horribly with Devin since age 2, one year ago (at age 11) Devin began to show marked improvement. (More on that later. But in thinking about you and Evan, I'm wondering what information would have helpful when my son was four - from someone who had been through it. What lessons have I learned that I can share with you? There are many and I'll give it a try...
(1) There is no magic bullet. For every parent with a child with problems there are umpteen strategies, systems and programs out there that will promise to transform your child. I know. We've tried just about every one of them over the years. After years of psychotherapy and an endless stream of behavior modification attempts, none have worked for more that a few days or a couple weeks at best. Why? One reason may be that ADHD kids just don't learn from consequences the way normal kids do. And they usually are very delayed psychologically so any positive/negative consequences you give have to be geared to their emotional/social age - not their cognitive/chronological age. I’m not saying don’t try, I’m saying that if you don’t get the results you want from behavior mod, meds, wheat & dairy-free, essential fatty acids and brain scans, don’t be surprised or upset or blame yourself. This is where the 'What am I doing wrong?" part comes into play. You know you are a great parent, doing all the right things, yet you are still not seeing results." Let it go. Having a kid with special needs makes good parents even better, and Evan will benefit from all the positives your parenting provides. Even if he won't put on his PJ's or cooperate or listen or get along with his peers today – know that you are laying crucial groundwork that will ultimately help him to be the well-adjusted person you want him to be. You just may not see those rewards for many years to come, but you must keep faith in him and yourself. As for medication – don’t be fearful of it, but do your homework, as questions, keep good records and be willing to change things as needed. Also be able to recognize when your child is on a dangerous ‘cocktail’ of multiple drugs that drowns their personality. You are the ultimate judge of whether they are doing better or worse. For us, we tried them all but Concerta and Guanfacine are the meds our son takes now, and while it’s not as helpful to him as many kids, it does help him focus in school and that's the best we can hope for from pharmacuticals.
(2) Be proud of your child. Despite his issues and problems, recognize that ADHD is not the sum of who he is - it is just a part of him. All of the other talents, gifts and good characteristics are still there underneath, and if you can keep things on an even keel for him in the coming years he has a decent chance of allowing those positives to eventually come out. Find out what he's passionate about and follow that. For my son it was art. In fact he's amazingly gifted, if not a genius artist, which began at age 5. When I couldn't find one good thing to say about him I could always praise him for his artistic abilities. I think this fortified his self-esteem over the years and allowed a lot of the criticism and negatives he was going to experience to do less damage. So find what ever is good, notice it, recognize it, praise it, and celebrate it daily. He needs it and so do you.
(3) Get the right kind of support for you and your child. You are right, you never expect to have a child with difficulties, but then there you are and eventually there is no denying it… it's staring you in the face every day. The questions, the grief, anger, sorrow, and guilt -- you will feel all this and more in the coming years. People who haven’t walked this path can’t begin to understand how ADHD (and related issues) can and usually does permeate every aspect of your child, yourself, and your family. Don’t expect them to. Even friends and family will be quick to judge you and your parenting, or offer offensive advise. Like when my friend suggested to me, “You should watch that show, ‘Super Nanny’.” How ridiculous! To suggest that our situation was comparable to those moron parents on that show was highly insulting. That stuff’s Parenting 101, and we needed a Ph.D. So find support among parents who are in the same situation. Get your child and your whole family into counseling. If you don’t find the right person to start with, keep looking. When Devin was 6 we were lucky to find a superb child psychologist who has worked with us for the past several years. She genuinely cares for him and us, and has become the single most important factor in helping all of us manage Devin’s disorder and the accompanying trauma it has brought to our lives. She also set up a mom’s group that included myself and three other moms with sons who had similar issues. We met every other week for nearly a year. We even had our boys do some sessions together as they worked on socialization. It was a lifesaver to have people to unburden on. Afterwards we’d go to lunch and continue to share our stories. To this day I’m still close with one of them, and it’s a relief to know someone else ‘get’s it’ and they’re only a phone call away.
(4) It’s all about the relationship. This is the biggest issue I want to talk about. When Devin was very young everything about our parenting was very positive. Although he wouldn’t do as he was asked, we still did all the right things to help him and made it our mission to do anything, everything possible to ‘fix’ things for him. But as he got older and we didn’t see the changes we’d hoped for – despite our diligent parenting - we became increasingly desperate. “Why won’t he brush his teeth? We’ve asked him 10 times!” The positive discipline we subscribed to just wasn’t working, so little by little harsher techniques crept in. We eventually had to take away all of his worldly possessions and made him earn every privilege through positive behavior. That still didn’t work in any sustained way. “By God, if he won’t obey I’ll make him obey!!” We began yelling, fighting, spanking. Once when he was about 9 I hit my breaking point while driving. I pulled off the interstate, yanked him from the car and literally threw him into a ditch on the side of the road, screaming, “You’ve ruined my life!” (among other things!) I know this sounds like something you would never do, but there comes a time when they will push us to our breaking point. The anger and frustration and fear grew to catastrophic proportions, and the relationship became all about criticism, lectures, punishments and fights. He too internalized all this anger and reflected it back to us, his peers at school, etc. We were in a complete cycle of chaos that no matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t break. He would provoke and prod and incite until he got the negative reaction he was used to. He couldn’t stop and we could only hold out for so long before lashing out. I decided I didn’t like him. I hated to be around him. I avoided him. I even neglected him. I was actually sorry we had him because it was gradually killing all of us. Things were going from bad to worse and I couldn’t believe what I had turned into. It was like I had to give up on him to preserve my own sanity. Every day was just about coping and hanging on.
But then a little miracle happened. About a year ago, just as we were giving serious discussion to sending him away, we put him in a new school. The new environment was great for him and it allowed him to shed the old problems associated with his old school, old acquaintances. Then his therapy sessions began to see progress. Before, it was impossible for him to talk about his feelings or take in any of the benefits of therapy, but all of a sudden he began to open up - not just to the therapist and us, but to himself. A small step in the natural maturation process made a big of difference in his ability to understand what was going on in his world and become an active participant in the solution (which he never had before). We began to see small signs of acknowledgement and accountability for himself. They were fledgling baby steps, but they were steps in the right direction, nonetheless. I eventually started on Prozac and began letting go of my anger and reconnecting with him. One year later and we are in a completely different place now. He’s succeeding in an academically challenging private school. He has friends. He plays sports. We actually have enjoyable family time together. I’ve been able to look at him now as a glass half full instead of a glass half empty. Our counselor had been telling me for years, “It’s all about the relationship.” and “It’s not your job to fix him, you’re only job is to love and accept him.” I could understand that in my head but didn’t know how to feel that in my heart. Somehow over this past year we’ve figured it out and it’s a whole new life for all of us. We still have many, many difficult moments with him and parenting is still frustrating and tiring, but we’ve gotten over that ugly hump of despair, guilt, fear, regret and hopelessness. He is finally a happy kid! A kid with ADHD, yes, but a happy kid. It can be done. Yahoo!
My wish for you & Evan is that you will be able to circumvent many of the problems we encountered as you embark on your own journey. But if you do come up against these problems, do not give up hope. There will come a time that no matter how hopeless things seem change can be just around the corner. “Just love him and accept him.” as the counselor said. That is the real key to him being OK.
That’s my two cents. I hope it is helpful. Bless Evan & your family.
Brenda