Total Transformation, Lesson Two
August 14, 2007 You're supposed to do one lesson per week in the Total Transformation Program. Since my last post weeks ago, I'm a bit behind schedule. But what's nice is that you can do things at your own pace, so when other things get in the way...in my case, school's out...you can pick up where you left off. More after the jump:
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In the audio lesson James Lehman gives a list of ineffective parenting styles. Maybe it was my state of mind when I was listening to the CD, but I kept feeling worse and worse about myself as I listened. I fell into every single trap -- some more than others.
At the end, there was some re-assurance. He said something like "Remember, these are ineffective parenting styles -- not bad ones. These ineffective techniques may work with children who respond to discipline, but if you have a child who exhibits obnoxious behavior, you need to find something else."
I read just a little bit into the next chapter and see that he goes into what effective parenting styles are. So until then, it's my responsibility to get a good grasp on exactly what I'm doing wrong. In fact, the workbook exercises for the first part of the week want you to take notes of when you are using ineffective parenting techniques. At the back half of the week, the workbook exercises give you tips on how to curb your own behaviors.
For instance, I definitely use the ineffective parenting technique of screaming when I'm overwhelmed. That video post from the other day could easily have ended with me flying off the handle at the kids yelling at them to keep it down or else. The Total Transformation workbook that if you're a screamer, you should take 60 seconds before intervening, write what you want to say on an index card, and if you call names (which I don't), apologize and keep going.
So without further ado, here are my notes on the audio CD:
At the start of the lesson, James reminds us that you don't have the ideal child that you pictured and imagined. So you can't parent their child like an ideal child who responds to "good enough" parenting. You need to be better than good enough.
Basically, children train their parents to give in to them and follow certain roles. If you stand your ground, often times children will act out. So as a parent you have a choice, you can give in and avoid a conflict or you can stand your ground and deal with a crisis.
In public lots of parents "perform" for other people watching their child act out. You need to do what is right for your child and ignore whatever thoughts you have about those parents.
Over-negotiating is an ineffective parenting skill. This is a parent who makes an agreement with their child; the child challenges the already negotiated decision (either verbally or acting out), and the parent gives in.
Parents re-negotiate because they think that they just made the wrong contract. But the contract isn't going to do the job. What children learn from the constant negotiation is that commitments don't mean anything and they don't need to follow-through on anything. No doesn't really mean no; that now doesn't really mean now; that mow the lawn doesn't mean the whole lawn.
If you don't firmly direct a kid to do something, that kid thinks you don't believe in them. The underlying message is "mom thinks I really can't do this, so I must not be able to." [my quotes] They begin to lack confidence.
If you over-negotiate, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge it to yourself. But realize that getting rigid isn't the answer to over-negotiating. You need to tell your kid, "the next time we make a deal, I'm going to stick to it and you need to do the same."
You also need to set reasonable expectations.
Screamers. They do it because they're frustrated. But it's ineffective. Parents that scream don't help kids to change. After they scream, they feel bad for themselves. So they end up giving in to the child. Parents need to admit when they're wrong and move on. Don't get caught in your own emotion of feeling bad and sorry for screaming. Simply acknowledge that you did it; it was wrong and go back to the point: "I was wrong to scream. I'll try harder...and go right into...you were supposed to be home at 5."
Screaming tells the child that parent and child are emotional peers and that nobody is in control here.
You lose parental authority. Keeping calm as a parent is part of having power. You're saying I can't control the situation and I can't control myself.
Screamers should say we're going to talk about this in five minutes. And turn around and walk away. Don't let the kid suck you into the discussion.
Another ineffective parenting style is bottomless pockets, where you offer money or other rewards for good behavior. The thought is that if you give more reward, it will buy you control. Kids learn that you have to buy my compliance and that the only way he's going to deal with authority and be responsible is through a reward. This is bribery.
Maybe these parents begin isolating their children. They stop going to visit relatives because the kid acts out. You stop seeing your friends. Your actions say that you would rather give up your friends and relatives than have your child act up with them.
If a grandparent or a divorce situation may pit them against you when it comes to rewards. If this is the situation, stand your ground. Let's say your kid gets a new bike which you don't think he deserves. If you complain about the bike, you're saying that you're powerless. What you can say is something like, "That's a nice bike but you can't use it around here unless your room is picked up." [my quotes]
The next ineffective parenting technique makes excuses for their child. He's acting inappropriate because he has ADHD or he's bi-polar or his teacher was truly being unfair.
I like the point he makes that you can't insulate your child from the injustices of life. But by letting your kid off the hook, you're saying that it's not his fault and therefore, he doesn't have any responsibility to change his inappropriate behavior or develop problem solving skills.
Parents who use the "savior" technique constantly protect their child from school discipline, the police or other authorities. They side with their child in spite of the facts and may even oppose the other parent. It is as though these parents think their child is beyond change, and they just need to do their best to protect them.
"The Martyr" takes this one step further and more than just protecting their child, actually takes on the child's responsibilities for them. Their expectations of the child is lowered and they fear their child will experience unhappiness or distress.
Both the savior and the martyr insulate their children from the natural consequences of their behavior. When kids fail it is a learning opportunity for them. This is an opportunity for you to teach them the skills they need to get up and be successful. Otherwise what they learn is that if they're helpless, someone else will take care of it.
The "perfectionist" parent can't tell you what the kid has done right. Their standards are impossibly high. They constantly compare their child to their idealized child or another good kid in the neighborhood. If a kid is proud of himself, they warn them for being cocky. This type of parent needs to be better than their child and puts them down.
What children learn is that they aren't good enough. They either give up or become over achievers. Children of perfectionist parents meet some else's needs and not their own. They come to believe that failure is expected.
The thing to remember is that these styles only become ineffective when the kid's behavior becomes inappropriate. They are ineffective parenting styles. Not bad parenting styles.
Deal with each kid as an individual. When that kid says it's not fair...I'm not comparing you to your brother...I'm comparing you to how well you could do if you put in the effort.
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I'd like to add here that the notes from these lessons are my own. They're what I'm taking from the Total Transformation program, but it is not a summary of the program. If you want to know more about it in-depth, I suggest you purchase it. Because everyone's different, you may focus on different parenting techniques than I would. What's nice about the program is that it presents a wide range.
Christina Shaver
If you want to buy the Total Transformation Program, buy it through me. This isn't a program endorsement -- you make up your own mind if you want to do it. They just give me a little extra cash, which I can certainly use!
Reader Comments (12)
Lisa
That said, I realized that I am lucky to be able to add this to my growing "arsenal" of parenting skills. She's right -- it probably isn't a system to be used in a vacuum. But at the same time, I think it's extraordinarily helpful at least in boosting my confidence as a parent of a special needs child and giving me more tools.
Love,
Rylan Tired Mom!!
Thanks
When I tell my kids no and they fight me or act out, they are punished accordingly. They fight me because they are used to getting their way. Once I stay my ground and continue, they lose steam and come around. It takes time but it works. This is something I learned from my husband and not a program.