We changed one of Evan's medications, removing it from his system entirely before starting something new. Evan without meds to treat anxiety is totally off the chain. He was physically aggressive, destroying our house, screaming so loud that in public I'm sure people were wondering what I had done to my child. He was so bad, it landed him in a psychiatric partial hospitalization program, and the thought that one day our home situation may escalate to him getting treatment at a residential facility is at the forefront of our mind.
In the past few days we've seen some promising improvement in him. His new meds have built up in his system over these the last few weeks, and the dose at this level seem to be helping. Things aren't close to perfect, but they are manageable, and right now, that's all I'm looking for. Can I talk through difficult situations with him? And right now, the answer is turning to yes.
The point with the meds is to make him available. And until just recently, I've felt like he is available again.
I've been a huge fan of the Total Transformation Program. James Lehman, the author of the program, gives me a lot of confidence that what I'm doing is right, how to change things I may be doing wrong, and really focusing me on our issue: that our son can't solve problems on his own, so he acts out. My job is to teach him, to coach him, how to solve problems. It's a simple concept, really. And he provides lots of techniques to use for lots of different situations. It's great.
There was a while there that all the behavioral training and psychological training I have had as a parent was not working. But I see things coming together again, and that's a good thing.
This is a long way of me saying that I think Evan is finally becoming "available" now. I just hope things continue to keep looking up. But I always have the Total Transformation to keep me company. I've been listening to the program again this weekend, and I feel like I've been given the keys back. My job is to keep them.
]]>It definitely doesn't make me money hand-0ver-fist, but I do get a little commission for every program that sells through my site. It's nice. I make roughly enough money a month to cover two OT sessions, and if I'm lucky, three.
There's something about selling the program that makes me kind of sad, I'll admit. I usually see a "bump" in sales on holidays: Mother's Day, Father's Day, this weekend. I see the order come through -- it's anonymous to me -- and then I say a little prayer for whoever just purchased. I know where they are, and God knows, I'm right there with them. But I always feel a little sad. Holidays are supposed to be fun. Time with family. Time to come together. Not time to focus on how to get your kid to behave.
But, like I said, I know where these parents are coming from. And maybe while part of me feels sad for them, part of me feels sad for me too. As one of the people who commented recently said, there is grief in parenting a child with special needs. Parents need to grieve the loss of the "normal" child they assumed they would have. But there's also grief in realizing that your family can't do what other families are able to do no sweat -- something as easy as attending a picnic on the 4th of July.
Anyway, my heart goes out to the anonymous person who purchased the Total Transformation program this weekend. Whoever you are, please know that I'm thinking of you.
]]>I'm about to describe the program from my own perspective. I'm not a psychologist, therapist, social worker, anything with any fancy letters at the end of my name. I'm a mom who has a kid with Issues. So that's where my knowledge on the topic comes from. And with that caveat out of the way, here goes:
The Total Transformation is a behavioral training program. It trains parents to train their kids acceptable behavior. It is not an overnight solution to behavior issues with kids. It takes dedication on the part of the parents to enforce and reinforce the lessons, because let's face it, kids with behavioral issues can be quite persistent.
In all the research I've done about ADHD, what I've found is that the best "treatment" for it is two-fold: medication and behavioral therapy. And truly, I've found that for my son, this combination is making a difference.
The Total Transformation does not address emotional issues. In fact, it goes so far as to say that if a person's behavior were constantly in an acceptable range, intense negative emotional issues would not exist. It's the Chicken and the Egg Theory to me. And considering we also have Evan in a psychotherapy daily program that deals primarily with feelings, I have to say that for me, I think the two are too closely linked to say that one causes the other. For me, there's too much "stuff" there to parse so easily.
Bottom line: if you're looking for a program to address a child's emotional issues, this may work, but indirectly.
But if you're looking for a program to help you gain control of a situation at home that may feel out of control, this may help immensely. The training will basically give you a toolbox of techniques to use that sets firm limits and boundaries for your child. It gives you the confidence to enforce these limits against a child that may be quite creative in their own right on ways to work around the rules you set.
So in a nutshell, it's a behavioral therapy program. I don't remember exactly how much I paid for it, but it was to the tune of roughly $350 or something. Well worth the money. And so far, I have not found the need to shell out the dough for seeing a real, live Behavioral Therapist. This program really does satisfy that need for me, and at that price, costs way less than seeing a full-on doctor.
And, last, I also did at the time purchase the option to speak with a real, live Total Transformation counselor for around $30 a month. I could call whenever I felt I needed help. And I did call. And it was helpful. I can vividly remember each call and that the person on the other end of the phone, did indeed help me through some pretty major crises. But I've since cancelled the phone subscription. Like I said, the Total Transformation program does really work, and after a while, I didn't need them in person anymore.
]]>For people who are interested in purchasing the program, I have started selling it on this website because I really do believe it can help struggling families. If it helped me, I'm sure it can help anyone who has a child with behavior issues. If nothing else, it gives parents back their sense of authority and confidence in their decisions.
Anyway, someday, I'll go back to my review of the program. And I actually want to crack open the Total Focus Program that I purchased way back then too. Now having a better understanding of Evan's ADHD, I think helping him learn to focus will be beneficial for him and for the rest of us.
So many people come to this blog to read about our experience with Total Transformation. It is a huge investment, but I know that if people think it will work, they will pay it. I remember being in that same boat, thinking that I would pay just about anything to help me help my son and bring balance to our family. I've paid for a lot of products and services over the years, and this was by far worth every cent. And honestly, I haven't paid for a single parenting book or resource since. This really does answer all my questions. And if I'm ever feeling overwhelmed, I listen to the next CD and gain my wits back to parent the situation.
In the year since I purchased Total Transformation, I will admit that we have also started giving Evan medicine to help with his ADHD and his anxiety. And, in coming posts, I'm sure I will once again type out my personal anxiety about adding another psychotropic drug to the mix. He's still having major anxiety and his psychiatrist would like us to consider an additional drug. I am a huge advocate for these types of medications for children who need it. And yes, we tried all sorts of diets and non-prescription herbal-ish remedies first. Nothing works like the meds.
But the meds only address his hyperactivity. They don't turn him into a well-behaved child. That's where the Total Transformation comes in. On the meds, he is able to be fully present in his environment and is able to "take-in" the new behavioral conditioning that I've learned through the Total Transformation.
This year has been substantially better than last. It was also a year ago-ish that Evan nearly sliced off his finger tip because he was just so impulsive and hyperactive. This week has been spring break, and it's honestly been a really pleasant time for us. He is so sweet and so well behaved. He even let me take (I kid you not) a three hour nap today. He sat right near me playing with his toys and never once bothered me to try to wake me up.
I see that he can be such a sweet and gentle child, and we couldn't have gotten here without a program like the Total Transformation.
]]>In some subliminal way, the Total Transformation program has given me self confidence as a parent to stick to my guns. When I say no, it is no and there is no negotiation.
I've also been taking something to heart that Evan is learning in group -- that I have my own feelings. Which seems so childish to think about and even say. But so often when Evan starts getting worked up, so do I. The two of us feed off each other. And today I realized, I'm not angry. He's the one angry. And somehow, it worked:
"If you scream again," I said, "I take away your DVD." He did, and so did I. "If you scream again, I take away your cars." He did, and so did I. "If you scream again, I take away your pacifier." (Yes, the three year old is still using a pacifier -- so shoot me!) Guess who didn't scream again?
Then I got to start on a new tactic. "If you have a quiet voice and a quiet body for one minute, you get to have one car back."
At the top of his lungs he screamed, "I want my toys back!"
"Well," I said, "if you have a quiet voice and a quiet body for one minute, you get to have one car back."
More screams and the same if-you-have-a-quiet-voice-blah, blah. Then, believe it or not, silence. After about a minute, he said nicely, "I want my cars back."
"Fine," I said, "one car, you pick."
"But I want them both."
"You only get one."
"I want them both."
"You only get one. Which one do you want? Lightening McQueen or Sally?"
"Lightening McQueen."
"And if I give it back to you, do you promise to keep your slow body and quiet voice?"
"Yes."
"Because if you don't I'll take him away again. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"And after I give it back, there are no more toys. It's only Lightening McQueen. Sally is all done and so are DVD's."
"Okay."
"And if you scream, I take away Lightening McQueen."
"Okay."
And do you know what? It worked.
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In the audio lesson James Lehman gives a list of ineffective parenting styles. Maybe it was my state of mind when I was listening to the CD, but I kept feeling worse and worse about myself as I listened. I fell into every single trap -- some more than others.
At the end, there was some re-assurance. He said something like "Remember, these are ineffective parenting styles -- not bad ones. These ineffective techniques may work with children who respond to discipline, but if you have a child who exhibits obnoxious behavior, you need to find something else."
I read just a little bit into the next chapter and see that he goes into what effective parenting styles are. So until then, it's my responsibility to get a good grasp on exactly what I'm doing wrong. In fact, the workbook exercises for the first part of the week want you to take notes of when you are using ineffective parenting techniques. At the back half of the week, the workbook exercises give you tips on how to curb your own behaviors.
For instance, I definitely use the ineffective parenting technique of screaming when I'm overwhelmed. That video post from the other day could easily have ended with me flying off the handle at the kids yelling at them to keep it down or else. The Total Transformation workbook that if you're a screamer, you should take 60 seconds before intervening, write what you want to say on an index card, and if you call names (which I don't), apologize and keep going.
So without further ado, here are my notes on the audio CD:
At the start of the lesson, James reminds us that you don't have the ideal child that you pictured and imagined. So you can't parent their child like an ideal child who responds to "good enough" parenting. You need to be better than good enough.
Basically, children train their parents to give in to them and follow certain roles. If you stand your ground, often times children will act out. So as a parent you have a choice, you can give in and avoid a conflict or you can stand your ground and deal with a crisis.
In public lots of parents "perform" for other people watching their child act out. You need to do what is right for your child and ignore whatever thoughts you have about those parents.
Over-negotiating is an ineffective parenting skill. This is a parent who makes an agreement with their child; the child challenges the already negotiated decision (either verbally or acting out), and the parent gives in.
Parents re-negotiate because they think that they just made the wrong contract. But the contract isn't going to do the job. What children learn from the constant negotiation is that commitments don't mean anything and they don't need to follow-through on anything. No doesn't really mean no; that now doesn't really mean now; that mow the lawn doesn't mean the whole lawn.
If you don't firmly direct a kid to do something, that kid thinks you don't believe in them. The underlying message is "mom thinks I really can't do this, so I must not be able to." [my quotes] They begin to lack confidence.
If you over-negotiate, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge it to yourself. But realize that getting rigid isn't the answer to over-negotiating. You need to tell your kid, "the next time we make a deal, I'm going to stick to it and you need to do the same."
You also need to set reasonable expectations.
Screamers. They do it because they're frustrated. But it's ineffective. Parents that scream don't help kids to change. After they scream, they feel bad for themselves. So they end up giving in to the child. Parents need to admit when they're wrong and move on. Don't get caught in your own emotion of feeling bad and sorry for screaming. Simply acknowledge that you did it; it was wrong and go back to the point: "I was wrong to scream. I'll try harder...and go right into...you were supposed to be home at 5."
Screaming tells the child that parent and child are emotional peers and that nobody is in control here.
You lose parental authority. Keeping calm as a parent is part of having power. You're saying I can't control the situation and I can't control myself.
Screamers should say we're going to talk about this in five minutes. And turn around and walk away. Don't let the kid suck you into the discussion.
Another ineffective parenting style is bottomless pockets, where you offer money or other rewards for good behavior. The thought is that if you give more reward, it will buy you control. Kids learn that you have to buy my compliance and that the only way he's going to deal with authority and be responsible is through a reward. This is bribery.
Maybe these parents begin isolating their children. They stop going to visit relatives because the kid acts out. You stop seeing your friends. Your actions say that you would rather give up your friends and relatives than have your child act up with them.
If a grandparent or a divorce situation may pit them against you when it comes to rewards. If this is the situation, stand your ground. Let's say your kid gets a new bike which you don't think he deserves. If you complain about the bike, you're saying that you're powerless. What you can say is something like, "That's a nice bike but you can't use it around here unless your room is picked up." [my quotes]
The next ineffective parenting technique makes excuses for their child. He's acting inappropriate because he has ADHD or he's bi-polar or his teacher was truly being unfair.
I like the point he makes that you can't insulate your child from the injustices of life. But by letting your kid off the hook, you're saying that it's not his fault and therefore, he doesn't have any responsibility to change his inappropriate behavior or develop problem solving skills.
Parents who use the "savior" technique constantly protect their child from school discipline, the police or other authorities. They side with their child in spite of the facts and may even oppose the other parent. It is as though these parents think their child is beyond change, and they just need to do their best to protect them.
"The Martyr" takes this one step further and more than just protecting their child, actually takes on the child's responsibilities for them. Their expectations of the child is lowered and they fear their child will experience unhappiness or distress.
Both the savior and the martyr insulate their children from the natural consequences of their behavior. When kids fail it is a learning opportunity for them. This is an opportunity for you to teach them the skills they need to get up and be successful. Otherwise what they learn is that if they're helpless, someone else will take care of it.
The "perfectionist" parent can't tell you what the kid has done right. Their standards are impossibly high. They constantly compare their child to their idealized child or another good kid in the neighborhood. If a kid is proud of himself, they warn them for being cocky. This type of parent needs to be better than their child and puts them down.
What children learn is that they aren't good enough. They either give up or become over achievers. Children of perfectionist parents meet some else's needs and not their own. They come to believe that failure is expected.
The thing to remember is that these styles only become ineffective when the kid's behavior becomes inappropriate. They are ineffective parenting styles. Not bad parenting styles.
Deal with each kid as an individual. When that kid says it's not fair...I'm not comparing you to your brother...I'm comparing you to how well you could do if you put in the effort.
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I'd like to add here that the notes from these lessons are my own. They're what I'm taking from the Total Transformation program, but it is not a summary of the program. If you want to know more about it in-depth, I suggest you purchase it. Because everyone's different, you may focus on different parenting techniques than I would. What's nice about the program is that it presents a wide range.
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James Lehman says that obnoxious and abusive behavior has its root in one element -- the inability to solve a problem. Anything from math problems in school to what to do when a parent says "no." When a child can't solve a problem, their emotional response is generally anger or anxiety. I felt like he was talking directly to me from the radio. These really are Evan's root issues -- his anger and his anxiety. Right on the money there, Mr. L.
In order to take the focus off the problem at hand, like solving the math problem, the child will exhibit any number of obnoxious or abusive behaviors. Now the parent is dealing with two problems -- that the child will not do his math homework and that the child is now screaming and throwing things. If you were the parent here, what would you deal with first? The screaming and the throwing. So you do it. And by the time that war's all over, does anybody have any energy left to deal with the math homework? Probably not. In the end, the kid wins.
The child learns, "If I get angry, I get my way" [my quotes, not from the program].
For some parents it's not math problems. For us it's pre-schooler stuff -- taking off shoes when we get in the house, when he can watch a "DVDV," brushing teeth, meals, going to the car. Most of Evan's anger and anxiety center around daily routines and transitions -- when we are forcing our will upon him instead of when he is choosing what to do.
Lehman presents quite a number of descriptions for disrespectful, obnoxious and abusive behavior -- many of which pertain to kids older than Evan. Even still, of the sixteen categories he described, Evan's behavior fell into five.
The lessons work two ways -- you listen to it on a CD and then there are workbook pages that reinforce what you've heard. The only beef I have is that the workbook exercises don't make you feel good about your kid or the situation you're in. Part of me thinks that it's marketing and part of me thinks it's brainwashing.
Take for instance, the five categories that seem to fit Evan:
Concrete Transactions: sees rules as obstacles which must be overcome, manipulate others by being charming or compliant in order to avoid being held accountable to the rules, sees his "rights" but not the "rights" of others.
Anger with an Angle: "lose control" when he doesn't get his way; train others to avoid making him angry "or else;" claim he "lost control" after an aggressive, destructive or abusive incident; use anger to have power over things; make you walk on eggshells when you have to discuss problems or responsibilities.
One-Way Training: use inappropriate behavior to train you to give in, use inappropriate behavior when his wishes are opposed or resisted, resists all efforts to train him on appropriate behaviors or problem-solving techniques.
Casing: size up people for how much power they have and respond differently to them dependent upon this perceived power; react negatively to those he perceives has having less power than he does; act more charming in order to cultivate those he perceives as having more power than he does; aggressively resist developing a relationship with anyone he perceives as being a threat to his power base, specially someone who can resist the inappropriate behavioral blackmail he uses on others.
Partialization: do incomplete jobs on chores, homework or responsibilities; expect full rewards for incomplete chores; act angrily when reminded of the full expectation of the responsibility; react angrily when denied a reward for a sloppy or partially done job.
Now, if you thought your child exhibited these behaviors, wouldn't you be feeling bad about things too?
For those of you reading this thinking how I could be talking about a three-year old here. Guess what. I'm talking about a three-year old. The kid ain't dumb. Actually, I think when it comes to human relations he's more than astute and has my number, big time.
But, he also only does three-year old things right now. Take "Casing," for example. He totally cased his new pre-school teacher last year...when he was two. It was her first teaching job; he could sense she was unsure of what to do with him and he tested every limit he knew. At two.
Or the "Partialization" behavior. Everyday it is a battle for him to take off his shoes when he gets inside the house. He knows how and can do it in an instant if he wanted to. Instead when I say it's time to take off shoes, he says to me, "No Mommy. You do it." When I say no, he says, "How about just the strap?" meaning for me to loosen the Velcro. I gave into this for a while, thinking it was a real hang-up for him. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
I could go on with examples for each behavior, but there is only so much bandwidth.
Long story short, this particular Total Transformation lesson does a good job explaining the causes of behaviors and giving categorical descriptions, but I think it only presents one facet of a child. These kids, my son included, are not just one big, bad behavior problem.
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